Two Months

So I've been living in Tennessee for two months now and it has just been the greatest experience ever! I wouldn't trade this opportunity for anything. I have learned so much about God, others, and myself. It's like this book that is constantly being written. There are new challenges, new people, new opportunities, and new blessings waiting to be revealed with the flip of every page. Some days it's tough to keep on flipping the pages because the book is so boring or slow or sad, but other times I can hardly wait to see what comes next, because so much is happening, so much is changing- I realize something life changing and just want to know how it affects the rest of the story. One thing that I can definitely take away from this experience is God's complete and utter faithfulness. Throughout the sands of time He has been faithful and He continues to be in my life today. I will tell all who read this blog without a doubt- Jesus has been with me every step of my journey and I could never have done it without Him. I will testify to His great faithfulness.

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There are just a couple books alongside the bible that completely changed the way I look at life. The first is the 'Blue Book'. The 'Blue Book' is a Young-Life infused book full of great quotes from books, philosophers, and theologians that connect with daily passages from the Holy Bible. My Aunt Mari gave me this book the first night I parked my two suitcases in her spare bedroom and my butt on her couch... and I have honestly never been the same. This book gets you excited about God's word... about life. It glues the missing pieces together to give you a clear picture of life with God. The second book is actually a book written by Rob Bell. Now I know the controversies with Rob Bell amongst the Christian Reformers, but this book was written before 'Love Wins' and actually explains the Old Testament being fulfilled in the New Testament and paints a beautiful picture of God's faithfulness throughout so many generations. The book is called 'Jesus Wants to Save Christians'. Honestly, I read this book in like two days because it was so good. I wish I had a copy that I could quote from. The book just tells the story of the Israelites wandering and how God brought out His faithfulness through years and years of struggle. I find myself wandering so many times. Honestly, I think I'm able to go about this thing called life on my own, only to realize my imperfections and find myself running straight back into the loving arms of my savior. The third book is a book I'm reading right now that I actually just started reading last night. I can't say it has changed my life yet, since I'm only one chapter in, but it has some great quotes about faithfulness. The book is called '66 Love Letters' and I'm borrowing it from a great, God-fearing woman named Tanisha, whom I am so blessed to have met. The book is basically a rewrite of all the books of the bible written in love letter form, so it's like God is writing to you personally. So anyways, I'm going to stop with my book review portion of my blog :P and share a great quote from '66 Love Letters.'

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"... I want you to realize that I never underestimated how thoroughly you'd mess up your life or how painfully you would struggle and suffer, and I don't want you to underestimate your failures or struggles either. They're all part of the story I'm telling.

But neither have I underestimated My determination or ability to enter the mess you've made and the pain you feel and turn everything around. I can, and I will, make everything good again. Never, never underestimate Me. I have a plan, a very good one, and it will move ahead to completion. Guarenteed! Trust Me. Why? Because I love you even when you're messing up badly. I love you in the middle of your pain even though I don't relieve it as quickly as you wish. I am worthy of your trust, no matter what happens in your life. I have a good plan, and nothing will stop Me from carrying it to completion. You must live now in the tension between anguish and hope." ~ (66 Love Letters by Dr. Larry Crabb)

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Never Underestimate My Jesus - Reliant K

Am I at the Point of no improvement?

What of the death I still dwell in?

I try to excel, but I feel no movement.

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never Underestimate my Jesus.

You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus

When the world around you crumbles

He will be strong, He will be strong.

I throw up my hands

"Oh, the impossibilities"

Frustrated and tired

where do I go from here?

Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear.

Never Underestimate my Jesus.

You're telling me that there's no hope

I'm telling you you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus

When the world around you crumbles

He will be strong, He will be strong.

I think I can't, I think I can't

But I think you can, I think you can

I think I can't, I think I can't

But I think you can, I think you can.

Gather my insufficiencies and

place them in your hands,

place them in your hands,

place them in your hands.

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Thanks again for all the prayers! I have felt every single one and can't thank all ya'll enough! Right now I'm wondering what is next for me. I really want to stay living in Tennessee! I have been kind of looking at different jobs; either an additional part-time job or a full time job. Please pray that if it is God's will for me to stay down here, he will provide everything I need in order to do so. I have also been talking to my small group girls about a potential house that we would rent. I have the roommates and the potential house to live in, now I just need to find a job that will be enough to support the lifestyle. I pray for God's faithfulness and trust that if He is calling me to stay here in Chatt., things will just fall into place in His time.

Vision

So I don't think I've ever had a vision from God so direct as I did last night. God is so powerful, it is somewhat scary, but amazing all at the same time. When people talked about having visions or having God speak to them directly, I kind of thought they were crazy. I know yesterday my post was all about hearing Gods voice, but I have never heard it the way that I heard it last night. It makes me just want to sing and cry all at the same time. It was so powerful.

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So I saw a ministry in Chattanooga. This ministry was one that reached out into the community and allowed people from all walks of life to come and enjoy each others company. To discover a new, zest for life. It was so beautiful. There was more to the vision that I'm not going to write about on here, but it was just so powerful. After a day of complete aloneness and silence... God spoke and he spoke louder than ever before. Maybe it's because I finally had ears to hear his voice.

Silence

"Let us labor for an inward stillness,

An inward stillness and an inward healing,

That perfect silence where the lips and heart are still

And we no longer entertain our own imperfect thought and vain opinions,

But God above speaks in us,

And we wait in singleness of heart,

That we may know His will,

And in our silence of our spirit that he may do His will,

And do that only..."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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Silence makes so many people uncomfortable. It makes us uncomfortable because it forces us to delve inside all of our hopes and fears and face them head-on. Silence makes us aware, it makes us think and confess. It is a rare thing to be silent in 2012. We like the company of a friend close-by or the constant ring of our cellphones indicating a text or incoming call to remind us that we are thought of or loved. I have to admit, I have a hard time with silence. Yeah, I spend a lot of time alone at coffeehouses writing and reading, but even then, there is usually the quiet hum of music in the background. Last night at work, while we were closing, the visual team came in to finish arranging the new floor-set. Usually while closing, we don't have any music playing- only the sounds of each others voices or the sound of metal hangers sliding across the racks. But since the merchandisers were planning on being there until about four in the morning, they decided to set up a boom box. It was so nice having music to close to and made the time go so much faster. But why is this? Why do we feel a constant need to fill the quiet with noise? Why are we so scared of silence? Are we scared to hear God's voice? Are we scared of what He might say to us?

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I had a conversation with someone once who never really took time to hear the voice of God. Finally, he prayed that God would speak to him. God did speak to him, but when he heard the voice and heard what God wanted him to do... he got scared. He wasn't ready and willing to listen to what God was telling him to do. He wanted God to speak, but only to speak things that he wanted to hear. I think this is probably why so many of us avoid silence- we don't want to be spoken to. We are scared to risk losing all control over our lives. We want God, but don't want him to have it all.

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It all comes back to trust. Here I am again, writing about trusting God. I guess I write about it, because it is one of my biggest struggles and I have to constantly remind myself I am not in control. If I'm going to really let God speak to me, I have to be ready and willing to hear anything he has to say. I can't hold back, I can't bargain with God, or only give him a little bit of this and a little bit of that. No, I want God to have it all... as hard as that might sound.

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"No wonder it's easy at times for us females (and males) to approach God and try to bargain with Him. In our hearts, we know that He knows what's best for us, yet we tend to be concerned with what the whole "deal" looks like. Sometimes the fear of not knowing everything He has planned keeps us from giving our dreams to Him. We may not say these words, but we may be thinking them: God, I'll do this if You'll do this. I'll give You this if You'll give it back to me the way I want it. He's the Lord of the universe, yet sometimes we act as if we can manipulate Him! But God already knows our human ways. And He wants more than that when we approach Him in prayer." (PURE, Bargaining With God by Rebecca St. James)

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So 'What's it gonna take to slow us down, to let the silence spin us around? What's it gonna take to drop this town? We've been spinning at the speed of sound.'

Whatever it is that will make you turn off the stereo, the TV, the cellphone, the computer, the iPod or anything else that hinders you from being still in silence- find it and embrace it, because "The world will confuse you. Silence will speak more to you in a day than the world of voices can teach you in a lifetime. Find silence. Find solitude- and having discovered her riches, bind her to your heart." (Find Solitude, Come Away My Beloved by Frances J. Roberts)

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"Word of God speak

Would you pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That you're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

in your holiness

Word of God speak."

-mercyme

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Unloveable

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Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth is 'ugly.' It is depressing being reminded by friends and family of the 'ugly truth.' I suppose that is what they are here to do though; to hold you accountable, to make sure you're living to your fullest potential and that you're following through with everything you had promised. This past week I was reminded of a promise I had made to someone that I had broken. I told someone I would try, work hard, and give everything I had to make a situation work and I didn't. I didn't want to try. I was exhausted from trying and just wanted to live without the stress of trying to 'make amends' with the 'enemy.' I felt like I had done nothing wrong and that I was not the one to blame- so I walked away. Sometimes it is so much easier to hate, to put no effort into loving someone who may seem unloveable. This is one of my biggest struggles. Often when confronted with a difficult situation, I run away- leaving behind the people I care about because I wasn't willing to give it my all and try to work it out with the 'enemy.' I often can't see past 'goliath' standing in the way... when peace is right on the other side.

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I have a problem with forgiveness. It is hard for me to 'Let Go and Let God.' For some reason it is in me to hold onto bitterness, hate, jealousy, envy, or hostility. I guess it gives me a sense of control. Since I'm mad or bitter toward someone- I feel some sort of power over the enemy, when in reality, they are the ones holding the key to my emotions.
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My heart needs renewal. My heart needs to be revived. In order that I may view the truth with thankfulness- no matter how ugly or challenging. To be able to tackle my challenges with perseverance instead of forgoing them. Something within my very soul needs to remind me of an innocent, perfect, man dying on a cross with nails pounded into his hands and feet, and blood running down his sides for me. Something in me has to feel a Love so deep and so wide and so high and so long... an incomprehensible love that knows no end. How could the Mighty King lay down His life for a sinner, a jealous, envious, bitter person who by nature despises Him and leads Him to death? 'How great is the love the Father lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!' How Great. His Love is so BIG... it covers me and it covers you. He does not treat us how our sins should be treated. There is a love so deep and evident, and yet I have a problem loving my brothers and sisters.
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I saw the musical 'Godspell' yesterday with my aunt. Although this musical is supposedly controversial or maybe even sacreligious- I was reminded of some great teachings Jesus preached. One of those comes from Matthew 6, where He basically says that if you can't forgive someone who wronged you, how is the Father in Heaven going to forgive your sins? Lets just say it hit home for me.
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So why is it so hard to forget grudges and stay in the bondage of bitterness? There is a God that sees me every second of my life. He knows my secrets, my thoughts, my feelings and loves me despite. But I have to be willing to love those around me the way He loves me. No matter how unloveable a person is, I have to love them because He loves me! They are part of His kingdom- He created them, and He created me to love them.
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"The House of God stretches from one corner of the universe to the other. Sea monsters and ostriches live in it, along with people who pray in languages I do not speak, whose names I will never know. I am not in charge of this House, and never will be. I have no say about who is in and who is out. I do not get to make the rules. Like Job, I was nowhere when God laid the foundations of the earth. I cannot bind the chains of the Plieades or loose the cords of Orion. I do not even know when the mountain goats give birth, much less the ordinances of the heavens. I am guest here, charged with serving other guests- even those who present themselves as my enemies. I am aloud to resist them, but as long as I trust in one God who made us all, I cannot act as if they are no kin to me. There is only one house. Human beings will either live in it together or we will not survive to hear its sigh of relief when our numbered days are done." (An Altar in the World by Barbara Brown Taylor)
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I think of the south in Martin Luther King Jr.'s day. How far we've come and thank goodness! But there was a time when racism, discrimination, and segregation were a part of everyday life. African Americans were treated like property or animals and were separated from the rest of society without thought. There was so much hate, so much bitterness built up between the races, yet Martin Luther King Jr. preached on loving your enemies. This amazes me. Think of how the blacks were treated and yet he still preached on love, because that is what the bible clearly says to do.
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"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." - Martin Luther King Jr.
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Yesterday, Pastor Smith preached yet another great, inspiring sermon about God's Spirit dwelling among us and living in us. He breathes life into our dead bones and gives us the power to live according to His ways. It is impossible to live the life intended for us without this spirit. Pastor Smith talked about having a faith that isn't passage, but active. He has a dream for the church to be more than just a group of people that get together in a building every Sunday, but to be involved, to reach out, to love one another. How can we be a church if we are not loving? But we can't do this on our own! We have to pray that we won't just pass opportunities by to love, to forgive, and to reach out. This is God's command for us! We have to pray that He gives us the Spirit in order to love the way He intended us to. We, by sinful, human nature have it in us to hate, to be jealous, envious, and bitter. But by His incredible Spirit, we are given the capability to Love.

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This passage is one of the most challenging verses, but I pray that God gives me the strength to love like this...

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement: In this world we are like Jesus. there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister." 1 John 4:7-21

Family

Man, it feels good to update my blog again. It seems like so long ago that I last updated. There has just been so much going on over the past week. My family came down and spent the week down in Chattanooga. It was great to see them again and show them around my new home. But between coordinating the week's events and work, I haven't had a whole lot of time to just be by myself and write. On Tuesday afternoon, the big white truck pulled onto Claremont Court and out came my two brothers and my mom and dad. How I missed seeing them so much! We started off by going downtown and walking the bridge and doing some shopping. At night, I took them all the La Altena, a Mexican restaurant on Main for some dinner, then we all headed to Hamilton Place, because my dad wanted to see where I worked. Wednesday, I took my mom out in the morning for a girls day out with some coffee and window- shopping. My dad and the boys headed over to Ruby Falls- they absolutely loved it and had such a great time on the zip-lines and obstacle courses. I had to work at night, so by the time I got home I was exhausted and everyone was already in bed. Thursday, we all headed to Dollywood for a fun-filled day of rides and shows. It was so great to go away like this with the family because we haven't done it in so long. I just missed Amanda and Jon and wished they could have been there too. Friday, my dad and Devin delivered donuts to Joe and saw where he worked while my Mom, Heath, and I went out for coffee and a walk around the art district and the bridge. In the afternoon, I made lunch for everybody, and then we all headed downtown again so I could surprise Heath with paddle boarding. It was soooo much fun! What a great adventure! It was also super easy, I only fell once when I got caught on a log under the water. I want to do this every friday now because it's only $12 for college students! At night, we went out for some Sweet Ceces and got soaked in the fountain. Then we headed up Signal Mountain to the Mountain Opry- I think my dad really enjoyed it a lot. Such a great, fun-filled week!
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[this was the highlight of their week]

My Life Is In Your Hands

"Lord, I am yours; I do yield myself up entirely to you, and I believe that you do take me. I leave myself with you. Work in me all the good pleasure of your will, and I will only lie still in your hands and trust you. Amen"(The Christian's Secret of a Happy Life by Hannah Whitall Smith)

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Do you ever just go out and watch people and listen to their conversations? I know this maybe sounds creeper-ish, but it is so interesting. There are so many different types of people out there, all with different personalities, different dreams, different hopes and fears... and each with a different story. Since I've been down here, I've had a lot of alone time- time to go out and think, listen, and just figure out myself and other people. It's so great to discover different ways of life. One place that I've recently discovered is this great coffee shop on Main street. (This is where I'm writing from right now.) I come here often by myself when I'm not working, and just think, read, write, or listen. I love the atmosphere of this place- it's one of those awesome hipster places that's super layed-back with quiet chill music playing in the background. Just a great place to come and think and listen, even try and hear what God is saying. But the people are just amazing to me. Such diversity! So many different walks of life are represented in this place. I don't know any of them by name... I don't know any of their stories. So I wonder who they are... what are their lives like?

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Anyway, as I sit and observe and listen, I think to myself, 'How many of these people love the life they're living? What are they living for? They have to be living for something or someone... what is it? Where do their priorities lie? Are they happy?

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"We tend to use God instead of seek him. We want God to do our bidding more than we want him." (When the Pieces Don't Fit by Glaphre Gilliland)

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I guess the reason I think these things is because I can't imagine my life without God. I've tried so many times to go my own way. Yeah, I said I believed and was a Christian, but I didn't really live it. I had zero trust. My faith was so little. I wanted God in my life, but I still wanted to run it. I do not want to go back to this person ever! I was living a miserable life- where in my mind I had my life planned out, how I wanted it to go. Maybe this sounds great to you... maybe it sounds amazing to run your own life, but it is the most depressing, fearful, anxious life you could ever live. You go to sleep at night worrying if what you have planned for the next day is really going to go the way you want. You try to control the actions of everyone around you for your own benefit, but really you end up losing the people you really care about. I don't ever want to lose the people I love again due to my selfish, fearful living. I want to live with purpose, only listening to God's voice. I want to go to bed each night knowing that the next day will come if God wants it to and He will allow what he wants to happen to happen. I want to wake up every morning in awe of his mercies that never fail- 'they are new every morning because he loves me that much! Great is his faithfulness!' Why would I ever live for myself knowing this? Yeah, I live in a selfish, sinful place and I struggle every single day. I have control issues. I have to constantly tell myself I am not in control! And let me tell you, this life is way too complex for any human being to control- I don't care how smart or wise you are... we are incapable of such a task. God is Supreme- he can control it... he will control it! To me, this is probably the most refreshing thing, because it means I can just sit back and enjoy the ride that God has planned for me.

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"Whatever the great human enterprise currently in hand, the point is to watch. All the rest is agenda. Seeking the kingdom is the essential integer." (And the Trees Clap Their Hands by Virginia Stem Owens)
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So as I look around this coffeehouse, I wonder how many people are running their own life. I look at the business men reviewing paperwork with one another, I look at the moms out for a relaxing lunch by themselves, I look at the quiet college student studying intently in the corner, I listen as an interview is being conducted behind me... and wonder where are these people. It is my prayer that each one of them knows or come to know a life that is so worth living.

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"He can't be used as a road. If you're approaching Him not as a goal, but as a road, not as the end, but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all."(A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis)

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I've just been so inspired by Pastor Smith so far at New City. He is a great man who speaks the truth about the gospel and really touches the hearts of the whole congregation. Yesterday, he continued on his sermon on Supremacy. God is creator of all things... all things need his saving! All creation needs his saving! And because of His great love for us, he wiped away our selfishness, our wanting to live for ourselves and views us as blameless, not blame-able. Wow. By his precious blood- we are saved. How incredible. How am I going to respond to this love? I hope to accept it with overflowing thankfulness in my heart. I hope to live my life for the one who died for me. I want to be hot for God... because there is no lukewarm. You're either in or you're out. There is no in-between. I can't say I'm in but only give a little piece of my life over to God. I want to be all in! I want to let him drive the bus or fly the plane, because I want to see everything He has in store for me.

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Today at work my uncle Dale broke his ankle. :[ He was walking at a job site and fell into a hole in the ground, drove himself to the emergency room and had everything checked out. Despite the bad news, my aunt and uncle were talking tonight at supper that it was good timing and that they're glad it didn't happen when they were going to go to Michigan. Way to look at the positive side of things! Just please pray for him as he recovers and may need to have surgery. It is a huge life change as of right now for him and my aunt, because they are so active around the community and love to go walking after Dinner every night. It's really sad that he won't be able to do all the fun things we're going to do when my family is down here, but I'm sure we will all still have a great time! Please also pray for my family as they are on their way down right now and I am so excited to spend a week with them in Chatt. I can't wait to show them around this awesome city and my new life. Thanks again for all your support and prayers- I can feel them all!

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(Had a great time making dinner tonight for my aunt and uncle... been wanting to try this recipe out for a long time!)

Bittersweet Symphony

'It's a bittersweet symphony this life.' - the verve

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Today was just one of those days where I can't decide if it was good or bad because there was an even amount of good and bad... so I'd say it was pretty balanced. But it's just one of those bittersweet days... some things ease the mind, make you smile, some things make you frown, and some just cut you to the core.

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But to look at the bright-side of things; one of the great things about today was dressing up like a cow with Mari and getting a free meal at Chic-fil-A. Oh my gosh... I got some pretty crazy looks wearing a stuffed, pink, rubber glove coming out my middle, a phantom of the opera mask, and cat-like ears. Crazy. It was pretty much Dutch day down here in Chatt., because right after we ate our free meal at Chic-fil-A, we headed over to Starbucks for a free drink.

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What a day.

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